paty420

So this weekend, I lived through one of the most amazing experiances ever! Words fall short to describe it, amazing, beautiful, tranquility, peace, emotional, the list can go on forever! I had been going trough a pretty tough time, I fell deep into depression, after mass one time, there was an announce ment about a spiritual retreat, I automaticaly felt the need to go, considering I felt so alone and felt I needed more of God, now I'm not one to preach but I would recomend the retreat to everyone. While you're there you are filled with such good energy and vibe! Its amazing, the people are so friendly and pisitive, you feel so full of love and peace and you want the whole world to feel the same, you let go of the grudges, you learn to fogive all the people that ever hurt you, and I mean sincerely forgive! Its so incredible, I neevr expected it to be so beautiful. I cried so much and let everything go! I was even crying on my way out! I didn't want to leave, that wonderland, that sensation of belonging and feeling loved and like you have true friends, although I dind't get to talk to a lot of the people that were there, you really just felt the good energy. Seriously, the best experiance of my life. I thank god for this.

Ah so I start my first day of college tomorow, and I can't bare the thought, I'm so nervous! I don't even know why! Partly, possibly, could be because I'm terrified of failure and well everything is possible, including, that that I fear most: failure. I'm really looking forward to taking a step forward to what I want, and well I just hope everything goes great, I hope my teacher isn't a dick and that I have a good time getting by. I'm awfully scared, but I guess, like everything elce, I'll get over it.

I've been thinking long and hard about my future, speculating all the possible outcomes, and I've jumped to the conclusion that I want to stick to this entirely, and I don't want to give up. I want to make sure I have the will power to going throughwith this. I'm so scared that I get lazy and go about the world being paid the minimum for braking my back while doing so. I've lived through pretty harsh conditions, and I've seen my parents struggle so much trying to get my brother and sisters by and I've seen my father take so much, and work so hard, and I know he wasn't offered the same opportunities that I'm being handed, and I have to take so much advantage of that and be a successful person in a successful career. It just really gets my head in a whirl.

People usually judge othr poeple on looks, the way they dress, the way portray themselves, and no one can deny this cause its true, we all do it. Sometimes even unconciously, I mean I can admit to the sin and pledge guilty, I do it all the time, but I try really hard not to. Yet its pretty crazy how you end up delivering yourself when it comes to presentation, most people try really hard to look presentable and are afraid on what other people are going to think of them. Why does this terrify peopleso much? It makes no sence to think or care what a stranger thinks of your hair, or make-up or attitude, as long as you're pleasing your self, what elce matters right? I know that might sound a little selfish, or egocentric perhaps, but I gotta say, it really frustrates me when I see people going out of their way to please strangers or other individuals and crowds who probably think nothing of them, Thats just a thought, but I have to say it displeases me, that our worlds revolve around the careless, I mean when you're trying to please your loved one its quite different, the caring and the loving is mutual, its something beautiful to acknowledge, the thoughts of your significant other. I'd love to be able to do that one day, and be able to care so much about what ONE person thinks of me. Right now I'm at a point where I'm not exactly sure why it is that I don't give a shit about what others think of me. I do what I do because it pleases me. I don't care if the girl or the boy standing next to me in line at the super market, don't think I have a good sence of fashion or if I am unatractive, I just don't care. My apathy grows more and more each day. My goals remain on the pedestal I've placed them on, however it worries me that I care so little about what people have to say about me...I judge people because I think its pathetic to try to proove yourself to strangers or even people you do know but you know they could care less about what you do, yet I don't even know if I should be caring. It scares me.

I've come to realize, people aren't always who they claim to be. As sad and painful and hard this is to admit, its true. People will continue dissapointing you, it might be that my standards are too high, yet I don't expect much, just for one to honor their word. I guess (apparently) its too much to ask for. I guess I should get use to the idea that people aren't perfect, for you, or for anyone. Even though they might seem to be. Fake, fake, people out in this world. I would kill for some clarity out here.